My Kids are Trying to Kill Me ...

really.

no, i'm not kidding or exaggerating. they are trying to kill me.

it's a slow, grinding, torturous, methodical, type of kill. the process that they are using is sleep deprivation coupled with incessant arguing, oh, and they like to climb on me (they're heavier than they look) for good measure. oh, they're smart. and actually, i USE to be smart. not anymore. they tire me out and then condition me for crazy.

to look at my children, you would never guess. sometimes, they look like butter wouldn't melt in their mouths. but looks can, and often are, VERY deceiving.

i have three kids. three high-energy, loud-talking, smart-ass kids. 7, 6, and 3. the older two are boys, and that three year old is a girl. well, anatomically she's a girl, but over her short three year lifespan, she has been turned into a boy BY the boys. but, i am getting ahead of myself.

i first realized that the kids were trying to kill me early on, when the boys were little. they would do little things to rob me of all of my energy. poopy diaper leaks, urinating on me, spilled milk (and yes, i DO cry over it -- ESPECIALLY if it's undiscovered milk -- have you SMELLED rancid milk?), food on the floor, juice on the floor (which, by the way, you can NEVER just spot clean), toys on the floor (sharp pointy toys - or toys that become sharp and pointy because you step on them and break them - note: lego's are the devils creation), CRYING (theirs AND mine), and a host of other energy-robbing behaviors are ALL practiced by my kids. and they tag-team me at every opportunity.

my daughter, well, she has learned from them. and they have since added, bodily noises. one of them can poot at will. the other two are excellent burpers. my daughter is the little pooter (see what i mean? they are RUINING her ... sigh). they also love to pretend to poot and burp.

the noises i don't mind so much. sure, they can be a little annoying, but i can live with that. what i cannot live with is the silence. silence is trouble. BIG trouble. silence means that they are TRYING to do something that they shouldn't be doing. usually, they are loud and doing things because they aren't aware that what they are doing might be life threatening. when they are quiet, they KNOW that what they are doing is wrong.

and HOW twisted is THAT? when it's quiet, i panic, and when it's noisy i'm a little LESS panicked. see how they are doing me? they are conditioning my crazy.

my middle child likes to hold my left hand. so does my youngest. no one is too much interested in holding my left hand. see what i mean? it's just not rational.

i TRY to understand the whole "he's looking at me" argument, but doesn't that mean that they are looking at each other? which would mean that they were both wrong?

and really, is it that hard to aim for the middle of the potty? and why is the seat APPARENTLY too heavy to lift?

couldn't toothpaste be more rinsable off of the sink, counter and mirror? why does it HAVE to harden to a concrete-like substance?

and one ladybug flying around the house is cute. but ten or so more, well that's just plain NOT COOL -- they die. wherever they want. dead ladybug -- well, that's just another dead bug in the house. and more cleaning for me ... and they SNEAK them in the house.

outside of kiddie-type antics, well, i also have to cook, clean, help with homework, make sure they are bathed (NOT as easy as it sounds), and chauffeur them around town like they are mini rock stars (i say rock stars because they have trashed my car and their room on numerous occasions)

oh, and the KILLER part, is that they are cute. and they are even cuter when they are asleep. and THAT is when i seem to forget that they are out to DESTROY me. see how the crazy works?

so, i'm consistently perplexed by their actions, tired-out, and conditioned for crazy.

they truly are smart kids. i just wish that they would use their powers for good and not evil.

am i rambling? it's because i'm dead tired. that's all.

uh oh. they're quiet.

gotta go!